I’m gonna be honest. When I heard about people having depression, I used to think, “They can just be happy; it doesn’t seem that bad. They need to just leave whatever is making them not happy.” I now know that it’s not easy; it’s actually a lot to go through. You can’t just tell yourself, “You’ll be fine.” You can’t just talk about what you’re going through and it will stop. You try to keep pushing through, and you try your best to remove yourself from whatever is putting you in depression. However, that may only help so much. For me, I had to remove it from my life and find the opposite of what gave me depression. To stop my depression, I had to change everything I was used to. I had to give up seeing my best friend daily because it was necessary for me to change schools. I had to give up my opportunity to compete at state track (I’d been training for this opportunity ever since I failed to qualify last season) because I’m ineligible for varsity level sports since I transferred schools. It was hard, but I knew that I had to end what was causing me to be depressed because my life depended on me making that change.
Thankfully, I can truly say I did! I’m honestly happy at my new school and LOVE it! Talking about what was giving you depression doesn’t make it go away, but it does help knowing that people care about you. It’s still hard to talk about it all, especially when you hear that people downplay everything you went through, but it’s easier when you know that there are those that support you.
So, if you know someone that may be going through depression, I encourage you to tell them how much they mean to you and that you love them. NEVER judge someone who is or has gone through depression because you probably don’t know how much they’ve gone through. Even if they have talked to you about what they are going through and you think it doesn’t sound that bad, it doesn’t mean it’s not. Please, please, please don’t tell them that it can’t be that bad and they’re just making a big deal out of it. I have had people tell me, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” and “I’m just now hearing about it, so it wasn’t that bad.” Unfortunately, I had even more than just that said to me and to my siblings and parents, but that’s what I heard the most. It was hard to fight my depression and draw attention to it. It was hard to fight a system stacked against me to help make that changes necessary to overcome depression and hard to leave the few things that did give me joy. And it is hard to know people think you’re just overreacting, but like I said, it has been easier because of the few that were always willing to listen and support. So, if you’re going through depression, don’t give up and do keeping fighting. And if you ever need someone to talk to or just to know you’re not alone, I’m always here to listen and let you know that you have someone that cares!
– Josephine
These are some of my first friends I ever made as a wrestler; they don’t go to my new school or my old one. But these guys were always there for me and were an essential part of my support system that I will always be grateful for, so it couldn’t be more perfect that my first dual with my new team was against their team!
My mom was there to help me fight, so I think it’s important to share her perspective on everything. Here’s what she has to say:
There’s a true injustice going on right now. Everyone thinks that girls and women have equality. Heck, until recently, I thought that everything was equal for females. I was wrong. Females do have more rights than they ever have had in history, but we are not equal. We are still facing inequalities every single day, and when we try to speak up, we are silenced. Not only silenced by men but also by other females. We aren’t supposed to talk about the ways in which we have been hurt and treated unfairly because these are personal things within the workplace or school that the administration is working on fixing. We don’t need to air it to the public and make it into something big. But here’s the thing, IT IS SOMETHING BIG!!!! And we DO need to draw attention to it. By not talking about it, we are allowing for it to keep occurring. We must speak up and help make things right. What if Susan B Anthony would have allowed herself to be silenced after being denied the opportunity to speak at the temperance convention? She could have gone off silently and just continued her work without speaking out, but she didn’t. She fought harder and co-founded the National Women Suffrage Association. And because she wasn’t scared to speak even louder after they tried to silence her, women’s rights grew, yet here we are, still fighting for women’s rights and equality today…
Now, I’ll admit that I have gone back and forth whether or not we would speak out about everything that Josephine has been through lately, and it was her that said, “mom, we have to do this. I have friends that are quitting their teams because of how they are being treated. We have to speak up and let them know that they aren’t alone and show them how they can fight like what we have done.”
Our daughter, Josephine, began wrestling in February 2018. Her journey started because she had been told by some boys that she couldn’t do it, and she wanted to prove them wrong. As I sit here almost exactly 2 years later, it seems surreal that she is still having people say she can’t. The rate that female wrestlers are joining high school wrestling teams in the state of Iowa is booming, but the support of them isn’t following suit. There’s a lot of talk but unfortunately for some of these girls, that’s all it is…talk. The talk without the actions is nothing. It’s easy to say you support the girls, but without actually making an effort and showing them, you care, what you say doesn’t matter.
Here’s just a few of the things that Josephine faced this past year (throughout future blog posts by her and the rest of our family, we will cover everything): -not given matches at the dual team camp when she was supposed to get a match every other dual, rotating with the other wrestler at her weight -being sat out at practice when one of the boys on the team didn’t think she was “good enough” -left out of team meetings -called names at school and on social media -left out of team group chats -left alone by coaches when the team went to other schools…the coaches would go with the boys on the team and leave Josephine alone with no instructions regarding where she needed to go or any direction what-so-ever -asked to turn in her uniform when she became injured even though the male wrestlers that were injured or ineligible for grades were never asked to turn in their uniforms -no hands-on coaching at practices -being told by teammates that they don’t want her on the team, and nobody cares about girls wrestling -told by administration that they won’t pay for her lodging for girls’ state because it wasn’t on the schedule even though we had given the dates to them plenty in advance -told by administration that this is all ultimately on her because she is advocating for something new. This came directly from the school’s Title IX officer; the one person that is supposed to be advocating for her, not blaming her for the things that have happened to her
There is more to all of this, but I will get into all of that in another post, or Josephine will.
Honestly, it took me awhile to see just how much all of it was affecting Josephine. She was upset; I could see that. But how was I supposed to know that it was this bad. I even made excuses for the coaches, saying “this is new,” “they’ve never coached a girl before,” and “give them a chance.” I was telling Josephine to “suck it up,” “be the change you want to see; set the example for your coaches since they’ve never done this before,” and “it’ll get better.” Then I heard sobs one night; sobs loud enough that I could hear them coming from the basement over the movie that I was watching with my husband upstairs. I went down to check and found Josephine. We didn’t talk at first; I just held her while she cried on my shoulder. I prayed over her as she cried because I didn’t know what else to do; I had never seen my daughter this vulnerable. Then we talked and talked and talked. I quit making excuses for how she was being treated. There are no excuses for it. These are grown men that know better. They know that they can’t single out a member of the team and treat them differently. They know that they aren’t supposed to leave athletes unattended. The administration knows that they are accountable for the actions of the coaches. Again, there is NO excuse for how any of these people have treated her. It’s wrong and they know it. Making excuses for them just allows for this cycle to continue. Josephine isn’t the only girl facing this, and if we let it go & keep quiet, it won’t get better. Somebody must speak out for these girls. And not just the girls, but their families. We had noticed changes in our son since he was part of the team and was dealing with ripple effects as Josephine’s brother; it was hard enough when one kid was suffering. We didn’t need to add more to the equation, but here we were.
SO, what do we do as parents when we know something is wrong? When do we know that it is not just our teenager being moody? We talk, and we pray. We talk to every person we can. We don’t stop talking until our child sees justice. We pray for justice, for our child, for our family, and for everyone that has done her wrong. The last one is the hardest to pray for but the most important for us to truly find healing for our children. I made a plan and did research, lots of research. I found ever handbook for the school, for the Iowa High School Athletic Association, every school board policy, and every document on the Iowa and US Department of Education websites that have anything to do with Title IX. I made my case, and I wasn’t going to back down. My daughter had been crying every night because of how she was being treated. She couldn’t keep on weight, and not because she was trying to lose it for wrestling. She had cut weight at the beginning of the year, but that was not what was going on now. She had increased her caloric intake and couldn’t stop losing weight. That is until she had a few days away from her coaches while injured and while competing at girls’ state (she had other coaches not from the school for this event). Both of these times, she put on almost 8 pounds, and both times, she lost 6 pounds the day she knew she would have to face her coaches (again, eating over a 2000 calorie diet for the day). Knowing that she was going through all of this made it so that I knew I had to fight with everything in my power. I had to show Josephine that no matter what happens, we did everything in our power to make sure that she had justice and that we did everything we could to right this inequality that she has been facing.
Within our home, we had come together as a family and understood what Josephine has been dealing with and the negative impact it has all had on her emotionally, mentally, and physically. However, getting support outside of our home has been difficult. We hadn’t spoken out for a lot of it; we tried to keep it quiet and work it out with just those involved. Looking back, I wish we had spoken up. People don’t realize how bad it was because they didn’t see and didn’t know since we had kept quiet. We aren’t going to keep quiet any longer. People need to know. Other girls need to know that they don’t have to quit their high school team just because coaches and teammates aren’t supportive. Parents need to know that they can fight back. We fought an emotional battle and won. Our kids are at a new school now and have coaches that have fully embraced having a girl on the team. She’s the first girl that they have ever coached and the first that the boys on the team have ever had as a teammate, but they couldn’t be more inclusive and supportive. They even added a tournament to their schedule to make sure she had the opportunity to compete at a tournament with the girls’ division. So, parents, don’t give up. It is better at other schools. There are coaches that are supportive and don’t treat your daughter differently. If you need help fighting, reach out to me. I would be more than happy to help you with your fight and have your daughters reach out to Josephine, she wants to help the girls that are struggling like she was.
It’s been 12 days since the kids switched schools, and I’m ecstatic to announce that I have my happy kids back. They laugh together, spend less times in their rooms, talk nothing but positive about the coaching they are now receiving, and are wanting to spend more and more time out with friends and being social just like they used to be before all of this. Sometimes, I can’t figure out how we survived everything these past few months. I know that it was through the Grace of God that we found strength. Faith, family, and friends is what it took. On the days that I didn’t think I could go on; my friend would remind me to pray and turn it over to God. He is the one that will lead us through it all. Remember that you are not alone. God is there for you just like you are there for your children…He will never turn His back on you. And remember that you don’t know everyone’s situation. Don’t judge because you don’t understand; just because you have had a positive experience with a person, doesn’t mean that someone else isn’t have a negative experience.
I would like to conclude by asking each of you to be supportive, pray, and fight for what you know is right! Fight for these girls and their right to be on the mat. If we don’t fight and speak up, who will? These girls have a right to compete and be part of the team, and anything less is just wrong! #girlswrestletoo
-Pam (Josephine’s mom)
These are snapchats that Josephine sent to me and the date that I received them, and these are the faces of depression. Notice that 3 of the 8 are ones that she appears to be happy with life. What if these were the only 3 you received from her? You wouldn’t know that she’s breaking inside. Some of the happiest people are actually falling apart inside and are scared to ask for help. Don’t judge them when they do come forward. Don’t say that what they went through isn’t that bad because you never saw the signs. Instead, love them and show them the compassion they need.
Life of the Girl Wrestler 